I know what I want and what I need, but sometimes I have to change myself drastically when other people comments my ways or my views. I don’t feel comfortable actually when my life is just ruined by some other aliens, in the name of their kindness and their kindhearted. I wish I could be freer to be myself and to catch what I want. The truth is as long as I still live together with another part of myself, they will always come and try to involve what I want to do. The right is in my hand, but sometimes it needs a big courage and power to show up myself, my view, and my way of life.
There are two parts I hate to be involved by somebody eles but I always failed to standby myself :
Firstly, my clothing style. I have several aunties, with glorious and glamouring dressing style, during family gathering, the first menu I always get is a welcome note : “…hey, you look fat with that shirt, don’t ever wear that kind of shirt, dear…” or may be “…hey, you look nice with that shirt, where did you buy…”. You know what, I wear the same shirt but they say something so strange, different comment, just come out from their mouth to satify their oral need, so disturbing, but can`t deny how these can influence myself. I wish I could be angry at that time and speak up my feeling, tell them how annoying they are, and how poor they are when they only see someone from the appearance. Noone knows inside of everybody`s heart. What they know is just…wow….she wore the newest LV handbag, 4 millions Rupiah, oghh….but it looks not elegant in her hand, will be much better if I`m the one who wear it I think. And another comment will always come when they find me with something unbelieveable, such as : “wow….who gave you this expensive bag, dear?..” I answered calmly, “…erm….auntie Jane gave it to me…”.
Unfortunately I still couldn’t afford to buy a 4 millions LV bag, just because of this reason, I sacrifice myself to receive any kind of second properties which I wish I wouldn’t take it anymore someday in the near future.
Secondly, my decision to do what I want, in this case, my job. As usual, in family gathering, a question like “..hey what are you doing now…?” and I, the niece, has to answer detailly “well, I still work for…bla bla bla…”. Then they keep asking me “how much is your salary…” Oh shit, what a question, as they must already know my salary, they just want to reconfirm, in case, I`ve told a lie them. “…erm…well, next 3 months my boss will increase it for me….well now…around…”. I become so nervous just because of that silly question. “come on, dear….don`t worry to tell the truth to us…I know how much your salary is…”. Well, I should say sorry, but I can not lie, for these many times, and I should explain so detail of my salary. What for!!! I don’t know, it just came out from my mouth, then I regret to tell it. I feel as if I am the loser, since one of them come closer to me, and give me a pocket of money. “…I know it must be hard for you with that amount of salary, here is…take it…for buy your new clothes…”
These are what always happen. I only can smile with my mask in the face, and I take the pocket of money. Feeling like a loser, can`t afford enough money so that people should pity me such a way. Heaven knows who`s right and wrong, and I admit I was totally wrong by taking these all, their money, their comments, and their involvement into my life. They are not angel, I can not guarantee that they will be near with me as I am facing difficulties, but the foulest is I still see and accept what they tell about me. Nothing can be worse than this situation when I let them ruin my life, my mind, and my decision of life.
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