Jakarta, 30 Juli 2006 – status : high confidential
“…jangan berhenti kerja yah loe! Dimana-mana harus kerja selama 3 tahun dulu, baru coba untuk bisnis…”
“…iya, jelas-jelas sudah ada bukti betapa jiwa keluarga kita memang bukan untuk buka usaha atau bisnis….”
“…kalau kerja kantor agak lamaan, kita jadi terlatih dan bisa lebih menghadapi orang…”
“…tenang, gue nggak akan seperti dia, lebih enak kerja kantor, nggak ada tekanan…”
At that time, I kept quite, no need to debate these things, unless, it`s already over control, I know what to do, for sure. I might be too young to take this decision, and I might not be capable of doing all these stuffs. For now, I have something big in myself : a strong belief that I have decided the right way for my future.
Tapi teuteup yah bo, kepikir juga. Di malam ini, saya harus menggodok kembali plan ke depan harus seperti gimana dan I have really to know what I need and what I want. So far, udah sebulan ini menjajaki beberapa hal as a new challenge for me anyway.
Dynamic Life Solutions, co : bergerak di bidang training pengembangan SDM, wedding organizer, event organizer, dan juga marketing consultant. Our office is on Jl. Tanah Abang IV/ 46, Jakarta Pusat. As a research & Development Manager, ada beberapa tasks penting yang nggak boleh terlewatkan : survey market, data base rekan kerja sama untuk nantinya, dan juga preparation material training. Yang terdekat, sudah hampir rampung, tinggal tunggu tanggal mainnya saja.
Revell, koyo Morinoki, pengalaman sukses 4 tahun lalu masih terbayang, bukan hal yang mustahil jika PV group dan personal akan segera meningkat dengan pesat, sekarang masih dalam tahap menanam, belum menuai, and it might be one of the doubt to be an entrepreneur, tidak ada fixed income, tetapi menantikan passive income.
Writer….quite effective, decision to resign influence me much in this field and everyday I find myself improving a new idea and the creativiy fastgrowing, cerpen, cerber, self-help book, dan juga antoher innovation book, must be ready soon. Near projects : sayembara cerpen, self help book, and another self development book.
Toefl & Ielts improvement : one month has gone and the score might be stagnant as the used to be. 2 days ago met Vely and he inspired me much to be ready in the next choice of mine : ADS 2007. yaks….to be a social person? To be honest or to be an actress while writing my statements? My family needs me here…and it doubts me a lot…if this is a right track or not…to leave them soon after I get the scholarship. If it only satisfies my prestige and personal pride, I don’t think it might be a wise decision.
Prudential. “…Bu, sudah pernah tahu produk rekening khusus yang bisa memberikan fasilitas jaminan kesehatan yang pasti?...” don’t ever say that you`re from insurance agency, unless, people will stay away from you, and don’t ever tell a lie about your true sickness. These were what I got from the insurance training, very interesting and challenging, and it boosts my business thinking, and boost my confidence to learn more.
Plan to be a teacher sudah dicancel, but soon I will find the new one, and plan to continue my study abroad, depends on my IELTS Score. Plan to handle my family business juga dicancel after considering bad cashflows and financial problem. Last visit to my past company, was so impressing to me, missing my boss, colleague, and another main things there. No regret to quit, but many hope to be always get in touch with them. No need to walk back to the past, cause the time has been running so fast, my breath moves faster, as I must find my way the soonest possible I could reach.
I sense it, I feel it, and I see it... Life can be sense, Life can be non sense... I`m learning to sense the life
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Hypnotized badly
This evening…the foolest thing has already happened in my life…
I swear I never faced this worst experience as today`s, although the key is in me and it all depends on how I keep my principle, but I failed to put myself well, just lost my own decision and wisdom. I just fell down in a tricky situation, and as if hypnotized by someone, typically an ordinary man, and I was trapped by the way he treated me, and the way he acts.
At this moment, there are 10 things I just realized after these all happened :
Serasa baru terkena hipnotis : seseorang telah membuat gue terhipnotis. Swear. I`m a stubborn and strict soal waktu dan janji. Tapi tadi sore, tepatnya Pk 15.30 I met him, tanpa direncana, nomor handphonenya pun sudah gue musnahkan, karena dia sudah terlalu sering ingkar janji. Again, gue kalah, dan dia ajak pergi, sedikit memaksa, dia janji Pk 17.00 akan siap untuk pergi bareng gue. I told him that I have already set appointment with one of my friend at 18.00, and he said that he will join us if I don’t mind, we make a deal, but what has happened was we met at Pk 17.30 and the traffic jam was crazily like a flood ( Jakarta? As I know already…), and gue menuruti dia….seperti robot dungu tak berdaya. He is just an ordinary man, not quite cute, not even handsome, but he has a charming eyes and faces, and the way he smiles shows something special from himself. Sepanjang jalan : garink, we had nothing to talk, to discuss, but it was just a “rubbish” topic, well the fact is we don’t know and we don’t even build a friendship, but it`s just because we always suddenly meet in the lift, in the office gate, or in the door of my office room. Ugh, I got my headache when I tried to remember what happened this evening. I was a foolest girl in whole of earth, being trapped by a strange man I don’t even know him. He drove my car and we went to the location of my appointment with my friend, suddenly his boss called him and he had to go back to office as soon as possible. Yang gue nggak habis pikir adalah at that time udah di depan gedung itu dan gue dengan baik hatinya dan berhati seputih salju, said like this to him : “…ya sudah, kita balik aja ke kantor, entar biar aku balik lagi sendiri ke sini…”…and he agreed, oh man, thank the world, how could he easily agree what I just told him, ini mungkin basa basi palsu dari mulut gue (gue pun nggak mengerti dengan pasti). Jarak dari kantor ke gedung yang sudah kita datangi itu cukup jauh, butuh 45 menit – 1 jam untuk bisa tiba, secara pada waktu itu Pk 18.00 (Oh gosh, my appointment was at Pk 18.00) dan gue sudah mencancel tempat awal appointment gue, dan temen gue agreed, then gue mencancel time schedule untuk kita bertemu from Pk 18.00 become to Pk 19.30. unfortunately, temen gue called gue dan bilang untuk cancel pertemuan kita. I felt like in disaster of mind, how could I neglect my own need and my own business for the sake of this ordinary man? Dan kita kembali ke kantor, dia turun dari mobil, and not so big apologized to me. Shit. I kept smiling to him (could you believe it), me, a tough girl at a time became so weak and not having my principle anymore. Well, it`s all over, I promised I won`t ever contact him anymore. He just would be my part of my nightmare and I won`t keep him at my memory ( I wish I could!).
Without my consideration, I am so used to doing mashocism error to myself, and keep doing it all the time, though I know it`s totally wrong but I still did it, then the same pattern will happen : I regret, I feel guilty to myself, and I hate the one who trapped me in that situation. I blame him/ her, and I promised myself not ever contact him / her anymore. Silly? Yes. I admit it. But I don’t really know for sure how I should cope with this kind of pattern. We can call it a evil cycle, a cycle repeated for several times, though in the past it already known as a mistaking action.
I have to be more sophisticated!
Next time, must be stronger and not too easy to be irritated.
I forgive myself. Sorry, dear. I didn’t mean it. It was just an accident. Won`t ever do this anymore! I promise!
Goodbye to this ordinary man! No way and no chance anymore. It`s all enough and never consider to put you in my mind or my heart. What a messy experience.
I need to calm myself down. Oh it`s not that easy you know.
Never play with your heart with a strange man.
Just choose those who deserve your kindhearted and your friendship.
Please be careful with another series of hypnotized from a strange man!
I swear I never faced this worst experience as today`s, although the key is in me and it all depends on how I keep my principle, but I failed to put myself well, just lost my own decision and wisdom. I just fell down in a tricky situation, and as if hypnotized by someone, typically an ordinary man, and I was trapped by the way he treated me, and the way he acts.
At this moment, there are 10 things I just realized after these all happened :
Serasa baru terkena hipnotis : seseorang telah membuat gue terhipnotis. Swear. I`m a stubborn and strict soal waktu dan janji. Tapi tadi sore, tepatnya Pk 15.30 I met him, tanpa direncana, nomor handphonenya pun sudah gue musnahkan, karena dia sudah terlalu sering ingkar janji. Again, gue kalah, dan dia ajak pergi, sedikit memaksa, dia janji Pk 17.00 akan siap untuk pergi bareng gue. I told him that I have already set appointment with one of my friend at 18.00, and he said that he will join us if I don’t mind, we make a deal, but what has happened was we met at Pk 17.30 and the traffic jam was crazily like a flood ( Jakarta? As I know already…), and gue menuruti dia….seperti robot dungu tak berdaya. He is just an ordinary man, not quite cute, not even handsome, but he has a charming eyes and faces, and the way he smiles shows something special from himself. Sepanjang jalan : garink, we had nothing to talk, to discuss, but it was just a “rubbish” topic, well the fact is we don’t know and we don’t even build a friendship, but it`s just because we always suddenly meet in the lift, in the office gate, or in the door of my office room. Ugh, I got my headache when I tried to remember what happened this evening. I was a foolest girl in whole of earth, being trapped by a strange man I don’t even know him. He drove my car and we went to the location of my appointment with my friend, suddenly his boss called him and he had to go back to office as soon as possible. Yang gue nggak habis pikir adalah at that time udah di depan gedung itu dan gue dengan baik hatinya dan berhati seputih salju, said like this to him : “…ya sudah, kita balik aja ke kantor, entar biar aku balik lagi sendiri ke sini…”…and he agreed, oh man, thank the world, how could he easily agree what I just told him, ini mungkin basa basi palsu dari mulut gue (gue pun nggak mengerti dengan pasti). Jarak dari kantor ke gedung yang sudah kita datangi itu cukup jauh, butuh 45 menit – 1 jam untuk bisa tiba, secara pada waktu itu Pk 18.00 (Oh gosh, my appointment was at Pk 18.00) dan gue sudah mencancel tempat awal appointment gue, dan temen gue agreed, then gue mencancel time schedule untuk kita bertemu from Pk 18.00 become to Pk 19.30. unfortunately, temen gue called gue dan bilang untuk cancel pertemuan kita. I felt like in disaster of mind, how could I neglect my own need and my own business for the sake of this ordinary man? Dan kita kembali ke kantor, dia turun dari mobil, and not so big apologized to me. Shit. I kept smiling to him (could you believe it), me, a tough girl at a time became so weak and not having my principle anymore. Well, it`s all over, I promised I won`t ever contact him anymore. He just would be my part of my nightmare and I won`t keep him at my memory ( I wish I could!).
Without my consideration, I am so used to doing mashocism error to myself, and keep doing it all the time, though I know it`s totally wrong but I still did it, then the same pattern will happen : I regret, I feel guilty to myself, and I hate the one who trapped me in that situation. I blame him/ her, and I promised myself not ever contact him / her anymore. Silly? Yes. I admit it. But I don’t really know for sure how I should cope with this kind of pattern. We can call it a evil cycle, a cycle repeated for several times, though in the past it already known as a mistaking action.
I have to be more sophisticated!
Next time, must be stronger and not too easy to be irritated.
I forgive myself. Sorry, dear. I didn’t mean it. It was just an accident. Won`t ever do this anymore! I promise!
Goodbye to this ordinary man! No way and no chance anymore. It`s all enough and never consider to put you in my mind or my heart. What a messy experience.
I need to calm myself down. Oh it`s not that easy you know.
Never play with your heart with a strange man.
Just choose those who deserve your kindhearted and your friendship.
Please be careful with another series of hypnotized from a strange man!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Pertengkaran...again
Pertengkaran demi pertengkaran. Semua karena ada harta juga. Karena harta kami bertengkar. Karena harta juga kami bisa tertawa dengan lepas dan bebas. Harta membuat kami lepas kendali, emosi meledak tiada batas, ingin berteriak dan menangis di saat yang bersamaan.
Mengapa harta harus mengusik kedamaian yang selama ini sudah dibina. Kemarin malam baru saja kami tertawa terbahak-bahak di ruangan hangat yang sejuk itu, di antara hembusan angin malam yang mulai menusuk saraf-saraf tubuh. Lalu, hari ini pertengkaran kembali terjadi.
Siapa sangka, ternyata kami begitu haus akan harta, mudah sekali hanyut dengan godaan indah dari sebuah harta, iming-iming harta tepatnya.
Kenapa bisa lahir di keluarga ini, keluarga yang sedemikian pemarahnya dan mudah sekali tersinggung. Hati begitu lemah dan mudah sekali sakit, marah akan meledak ketika segalanya tidak sesuai dengan keinginan hati. Saya percaya, semua ini terjadi bukan karena kebetulan. Saya dengan sifat saya ini, dan saya bersama orang-orang di sekeliling saya ini. Ada yang mudah sekali tersinggung dan akan terus menyimpan dendam kesumat itu kalau perlu sampai ke liang kubur nantinya. Ada juga yang terjebak dengan keserakahan manusia, ingin sekali punya segala materi, uang, rumah bagus, mobil mewah, dengan segala cara mencoba mendapatkan semua itu.
Seperti yang seharusnya, kami, saya tepatnya, tidak boleh menyalahkan kondisi yang ada, semua ini terjadi karena memang sudah menjadi akibat dari perbuatan saya di masa lampau. Yang terpenting untuk saat ini adalah saya harus bisa menerima dan tidak lagi mencari-cari kesalahan di luar diri ini. Berat sekali. Tapi ini yang harus saya tempuh, tidak ada lagi jalan lain. Tiada guna menghitung berapa banyak kesalahan orang lain yang pernah menyakiti diri ini, tiada gunanya juga untuk membela diri dengan segala cara, melindungi diri dari kenyataan bahwa diri ini memang penuh dengan dosa.
Dosa? Dosa menjadi kemelut hidup yang tiada hentinya mengetuk ketenangan hati. Dosa masa lampau katanya akan terus dibawa sampai hidup saat ini dan hidup akan datang tergantung pada ketahanan diri menghadapi segala konsekuensi dosa yang sudah dialami. Siapa yang bisa menerima fakta seorang bayi polos pun sebenarnya sudah penuh dengan dosa, dari yang sudah saya pelajari, itu adalah hukum kewajaran yang tidak bisa dielakkan. Setiap orang membawa gudang karmanya masing-masing yang mengukir nasib hidupnya akan bahagia atau tidak.
Perasaan sedikit kosong dan hampa, lagi-lagi terusik dengan keramaian awam. Ingin sekali enyahkan semua ini, enyahkan keberadaan dosa. Tapi dosa tidak akan pernah bisa lepas, sebelum menebusnya dengan sebab yang setimpal. Peluh mulai menetes, pertanda kelelahan perjalanan yang tiada ujung akhir. Kemanakah akan berlari diri ini tanpa adanya kebenaran yang sesungguhnya. Sudahlah. Lupakan saja, mungkin ini yang terbaik.
Mengapa harta harus mengusik kedamaian yang selama ini sudah dibina. Kemarin malam baru saja kami tertawa terbahak-bahak di ruangan hangat yang sejuk itu, di antara hembusan angin malam yang mulai menusuk saraf-saraf tubuh. Lalu, hari ini pertengkaran kembali terjadi.
Siapa sangka, ternyata kami begitu haus akan harta, mudah sekali hanyut dengan godaan indah dari sebuah harta, iming-iming harta tepatnya.
Kenapa bisa lahir di keluarga ini, keluarga yang sedemikian pemarahnya dan mudah sekali tersinggung. Hati begitu lemah dan mudah sekali sakit, marah akan meledak ketika segalanya tidak sesuai dengan keinginan hati. Saya percaya, semua ini terjadi bukan karena kebetulan. Saya dengan sifat saya ini, dan saya bersama orang-orang di sekeliling saya ini. Ada yang mudah sekali tersinggung dan akan terus menyimpan dendam kesumat itu kalau perlu sampai ke liang kubur nantinya. Ada juga yang terjebak dengan keserakahan manusia, ingin sekali punya segala materi, uang, rumah bagus, mobil mewah, dengan segala cara mencoba mendapatkan semua itu.
Seperti yang seharusnya, kami, saya tepatnya, tidak boleh menyalahkan kondisi yang ada, semua ini terjadi karena memang sudah menjadi akibat dari perbuatan saya di masa lampau. Yang terpenting untuk saat ini adalah saya harus bisa menerima dan tidak lagi mencari-cari kesalahan di luar diri ini. Berat sekali. Tapi ini yang harus saya tempuh, tidak ada lagi jalan lain. Tiada guna menghitung berapa banyak kesalahan orang lain yang pernah menyakiti diri ini, tiada gunanya juga untuk membela diri dengan segala cara, melindungi diri dari kenyataan bahwa diri ini memang penuh dengan dosa.
Dosa? Dosa menjadi kemelut hidup yang tiada hentinya mengetuk ketenangan hati. Dosa masa lampau katanya akan terus dibawa sampai hidup saat ini dan hidup akan datang tergantung pada ketahanan diri menghadapi segala konsekuensi dosa yang sudah dialami. Siapa yang bisa menerima fakta seorang bayi polos pun sebenarnya sudah penuh dengan dosa, dari yang sudah saya pelajari, itu adalah hukum kewajaran yang tidak bisa dielakkan. Setiap orang membawa gudang karmanya masing-masing yang mengukir nasib hidupnya akan bahagia atau tidak.
Perasaan sedikit kosong dan hampa, lagi-lagi terusik dengan keramaian awam. Ingin sekali enyahkan semua ini, enyahkan keberadaan dosa. Tapi dosa tidak akan pernah bisa lepas, sebelum menebusnya dengan sebab yang setimpal. Peluh mulai menetes, pertanda kelelahan perjalanan yang tiada ujung akhir. Kemanakah akan berlari diri ini tanpa adanya kebenaran yang sesungguhnya. Sudahlah. Lupakan saja, mungkin ini yang terbaik.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Lose Again...
I know what I want and what I need, but sometimes I have to change myself drastically when other people comments my ways or my views. I don’t feel comfortable actually when my life is just ruined by some other aliens, in the name of their kindness and their kindhearted. I wish I could be freer to be myself and to catch what I want. The truth is as long as I still live together with another part of myself, they will always come and try to involve what I want to do. The right is in my hand, but sometimes it needs a big courage and power to show up myself, my view, and my way of life.
There are two parts I hate to be involved by somebody eles but I always failed to standby myself :
Firstly, my clothing style. I have several aunties, with glorious and glamouring dressing style, during family gathering, the first menu I always get is a welcome note : “…hey, you look fat with that shirt, don’t ever wear that kind of shirt, dear…” or may be “…hey, you look nice with that shirt, where did you buy…”. You know what, I wear the same shirt but they say something so strange, different comment, just come out from their mouth to satify their oral need, so disturbing, but can`t deny how these can influence myself. I wish I could be angry at that time and speak up my feeling, tell them how annoying they are, and how poor they are when they only see someone from the appearance. Noone knows inside of everybody`s heart. What they know is just…wow….she wore the newest LV handbag, 4 millions Rupiah, oghh….but it looks not elegant in her hand, will be much better if I`m the one who wear it I think. And another comment will always come when they find me with something unbelieveable, such as : “wow….who gave you this expensive bag, dear?..” I answered calmly, “…erm….auntie Jane gave it to me…”.
Unfortunately I still couldn’t afford to buy a 4 millions LV bag, just because of this reason, I sacrifice myself to receive any kind of second properties which I wish I wouldn’t take it anymore someday in the near future.
Secondly, my decision to do what I want, in this case, my job. As usual, in family gathering, a question like “..hey what are you doing now…?” and I, the niece, has to answer detailly “well, I still work for…bla bla bla…”. Then they keep asking me “how much is your salary…” Oh shit, what a question, as they must already know my salary, they just want to reconfirm, in case, I`ve told a lie them. “…erm…well, next 3 months my boss will increase it for me….well now…around…”. I become so nervous just because of that silly question. “come on, dear….don`t worry to tell the truth to us…I know how much your salary is…”. Well, I should say sorry, but I can not lie, for these many times, and I should explain so detail of my salary. What for!!! I don’t know, it just came out from my mouth, then I regret to tell it. I feel as if I am the loser, since one of them come closer to me, and give me a pocket of money. “…I know it must be hard for you with that amount of salary, here is…take it…for buy your new clothes…”
These are what always happen. I only can smile with my mask in the face, and I take the pocket of money. Feeling like a loser, can`t afford enough money so that people should pity me such a way. Heaven knows who`s right and wrong, and I admit I was totally wrong by taking these all, their money, their comments, and their involvement into my life. They are not angel, I can not guarantee that they will be near with me as I am facing difficulties, but the foulest is I still see and accept what they tell about me. Nothing can be worse than this situation when I let them ruin my life, my mind, and my decision of life.
There are two parts I hate to be involved by somebody eles but I always failed to standby myself :
Firstly, my clothing style. I have several aunties, with glorious and glamouring dressing style, during family gathering, the first menu I always get is a welcome note : “…hey, you look fat with that shirt, don’t ever wear that kind of shirt, dear…” or may be “…hey, you look nice with that shirt, where did you buy…”. You know what, I wear the same shirt but they say something so strange, different comment, just come out from their mouth to satify their oral need, so disturbing, but can`t deny how these can influence myself. I wish I could be angry at that time and speak up my feeling, tell them how annoying they are, and how poor they are when they only see someone from the appearance. Noone knows inside of everybody`s heart. What they know is just…wow….she wore the newest LV handbag, 4 millions Rupiah, oghh….but it looks not elegant in her hand, will be much better if I`m the one who wear it I think. And another comment will always come when they find me with something unbelieveable, such as : “wow….who gave you this expensive bag, dear?..” I answered calmly, “…erm….auntie Jane gave it to me…”.
Unfortunately I still couldn’t afford to buy a 4 millions LV bag, just because of this reason, I sacrifice myself to receive any kind of second properties which I wish I wouldn’t take it anymore someday in the near future.
Secondly, my decision to do what I want, in this case, my job. As usual, in family gathering, a question like “..hey what are you doing now…?” and I, the niece, has to answer detailly “well, I still work for…bla bla bla…”. Then they keep asking me “how much is your salary…” Oh shit, what a question, as they must already know my salary, they just want to reconfirm, in case, I`ve told a lie them. “…erm…well, next 3 months my boss will increase it for me….well now…around…”. I become so nervous just because of that silly question. “come on, dear….don`t worry to tell the truth to us…I know how much your salary is…”. Well, I should say sorry, but I can not lie, for these many times, and I should explain so detail of my salary. What for!!! I don’t know, it just came out from my mouth, then I regret to tell it. I feel as if I am the loser, since one of them come closer to me, and give me a pocket of money. “…I know it must be hard for you with that amount of salary, here is…take it…for buy your new clothes…”
These are what always happen. I only can smile with my mask in the face, and I take the pocket of money. Feeling like a loser, can`t afford enough money so that people should pity me such a way. Heaven knows who`s right and wrong, and I admit I was totally wrong by taking these all, their money, their comments, and their involvement into my life. They are not angel, I can not guarantee that they will be near with me as I am facing difficulties, but the foulest is I still see and accept what they tell about me. Nothing can be worse than this situation when I let them ruin my life, my mind, and my decision of life.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Today...
Lelah yang menyenangkan sekali…
Hari ini last day obat antibiotic radang tenggorokan yang harus aku makan.
Lega…sembuh juga segala kepeningan dan nyeri di kepala seminggu yang lalu itu.
Full activities today, sekolah Buddhis dengan dua murid saja, ke Pasaraya Manggarai, pertemuan generasi muda yang cukup melelahkan, ruangan terlalu panas membuatku sesak bernafas. Rapat panitia, persiapan untuk drama dan kostum-kostum pemain. Diskusi mengenai desain panggung malam kesenian yang akan segera…
Hari ini last day obat antibiotic radang tenggorokan yang harus aku makan.
Lega…sembuh juga segala kepeningan dan nyeri di kepala seminggu yang lalu itu.
Full activities today, sekolah Buddhis dengan dua murid saja, ke Pasaraya Manggarai, pertemuan generasi muda yang cukup melelahkan, ruangan terlalu panas membuatku sesak bernafas. Rapat panitia, persiapan untuk drama dan kostum-kostum pemain. Diskusi mengenai desain panggung malam kesenian yang akan segera…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)