toxic parents

Unfortunately, children of toxic parents learn to blame themselves for their parents appalling lack, and tend to grow into adults who are burdened with very low self esteem and poor self image.

The wonderful news here is that the past cannot be changed but the future can!

You, as an adult and a parent, are not responsible for the negative ways your parents shaped your childhood.

However, you are responsible for your own behaviour today.

This means that it's your responsibility to do what ever is needed to become the parent your child deserves.

If you received many messages as a child that you were not ok for who you were, then your inner critic will be a strong voice, constantly upbraiding you today in the same way.

By learning how to become consistent and loving with yourself, you will also learn how to be consistent and loving with your children and vice versa.

One of the most effective ways of breaking the ctcle is to make the commitment to be more emotionally available to your children than your parents were to you.

We all need someone to support us as we make changes in our thinking, especially as we identify and acknowledge the pain of toxic parents.

• I challenge you to find someone supportive to share the story of your inner critic with, to help you to identify it and to ask for their support as you make the changes.

Part of grief is learning to accept what happened to us and making peace with it. Remember the grief process? Shock/Denial; Bargaining; Depression; Anger; (depression and anger can come in opposite orders from other's experiences and sometimes you may go back and forth) Acceptance.

The old statement about the best revenge is living a wonderful life is very true.

Is it ok to just sit down and cry for that child that you were? Of course. It's called grieving.

she is not toxic to me as an adult.

If they continue to be toxic in your adult life, don't spend endless hours trying to convince them they hurt you if they are not hearing you. Divorce them.

To love and to be loved is the foundation on which all our feeling-life is based.

You are not born with toxic shame. It is a learned attitude which passes from generation to generation. You acquired it from your parents and pass it on to our children, according to Bradshaw, even though you do not intend to do so.

The first thing that must be done to heal toxic shame is to recognize you carry it. The next thing to do is gather as much information about your childhood, your parents and grandparents as you can. Find out where your shame originated. Then - and this is the hard part - acknowledge the extremely painful emotions caused by your toxic shame. Finally, reparent yourself; embrace your shame; heal it directly.

Toxic shame can be healed on three levels: personal, interpersonal and spiritual. On the personal level, learn to become more self-loving, self-nurturing, self-forgiving and self-accepting. In effect, reverse the negative messages you may have received about yourself as a child.

On the interpersonal level, toxic shame usually results in a belief that if other people really knew you, they would reject or criticize you. Its healing involves testing this belief. Find some people whom you can trust, reveal yourself to them and allow them to accept and appreciate you.